Yes, I know this is ‘so last year’ and you are all well and truly over it…but perhaps I am not.

Okay, I am not.

So, indulge me for a minute or two, I’ll try to keep it brief. Judge me all you want, but I’ve never been embarrassed to say I am a fan of Coldplay. I am sure no one loves all their songs, but amongst their extensive catalogue is some real winners – in my humble opinion.

Clocks, Yellow, The Scientist roll of the tongue, then of course there is Fix You.

During that separation/divorce period I’ve written about plenty before, where life was all up the wahzoo, you tend to spend a lot of time alone, well I did, more than I was used to that’s for sure.

The nights were always the worst, the loneliest, the time when sleep was allusive, and the brain activity was at its most heightened. Music became a comforter, a way to fight the deafening silence, to vent, to help find words to attach to the raw emotions, and to help heal. During that time, Coldplay got some significant playtime, and in particular the song Fix You.

When I thought about my kids and the pain they were navigating, the questions they were left to face, the sense of abandonment they felt by people they thought were ‘our friends’. Whenever I thought about how they, who were innocent in all of this, were paying a price, I cried. Oh man, did I cry.

The lyrics of the song go –

“Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face, and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”

Tears streamed down my face as I listened to this song sitting in the driveway before putting on a brave face to head inside to my kids. Tears streamed down my face when I sat in my work office, and my home office, and on my daily walks as I listened to this song trying to process my life.

And for a long time, I thought I managed to conceal much of my tears, but I was naive. Kids are watching and interpreting everything, and without really knowing it, my kids started to connect to the song as well. Perhaps for a while whenever they heard it, they thought of me crying, they thought of my pain. But then in their own way they started to connect it to their pain as well.

The song connected us. An unsaid understanding that we were all experiencing elements of the pain that broken families bring, regardless of whose ‘fault’ it was. That despite the brave faces we tried to show the world around us, we were all crying & healing simultaneously.

Over time the song and the emotions attached to it subsided, and it became like a postcard on the fridge of a place we once lived in for a while.

Side note: I am reminded more and more that you can’t fix others if you don’t fix yourself. Who is responsible for dealing with our hurts and trauma, so we don’t inevitably project that onto the ones we love? We are.

Sooooo, Coldplay announce they are heading to NZ – Grace, Max and I venture to Auckland for a few days of good old fashioned quality time, and we did indeed have a great time together. Long story short we make our way to the gig, and from the start to the end it was so so so awesome. But the moment I will never forget was that moment when near the end of the concert, Coldplay began to play THE song.

As I stood in the crowd with my kids, the moment they start to play Fix You, tears once again streamed down my face, down Grace’s face, and while they didn’t quite fully escape Max’s eyes, the emotion was certainly there. However, now the tears fell for a different reason; now it wasn’t pain, sorrow, loss, shame, or grief that triggered the tears. While I think the emotion that I had connected to this song for so long just emerged, almost on cue without warning, this time the overriding feeling for me was joy.

Joy for how far I had come, joy for experiencing this moment live, joy for standing there with my kids. Joy for life, for healing, for change, for new beginnings, for loyal friends, for family, for love.

So cheers to Coldplay, to the power of music, and to love.

B.