barrykjackson

We often see and interpret vulnerability as a weakness. Terms like ‘exposed’, ‘uncovered’, and ‘bare’ don’t typically leave us with positive vibes.

Media outlets use these words to capture our attention, they tie them to other words and themes like ‘scandal’, or ‘outrageous’ to draw us in.

Interestingly, we don’t tend to see everything in that light. We don’t judge the rest of nature like that –  we don’t see the tree as weak, because while exposed and bare, we are still able to see its strength. Maybe it is only ourselves we apply this standard too? Maybe more often, to others.

John Frame says, “Because we want glory for ourselves, we seek to find fault in others.” Exposing the weaknesses & shortcomings of others serves to reduce their standing, and by default helps to elevate our own. It is the outcome of the survival of the fittest mentality, bent on publicly uncovering the sins of others for personal gain.

Culture, traditions, and experience place meaning on words that become deeply engrained in our thinking. Sometimes changing that narrative takes time.

But imagine if we didn’t use the ‘sins’ of others as a stepping stone to our own self-interest. Imagine if we didn’t make people feel ashamed or weak when they fail by spreading news of their shortcomings to others who have no ability or desire to help? Imagine if we looked for strength in people, even when their weakness is exposed?

One definition of the word ‘bare’ described it as ‘unembellished’. Not pretending to be more than what it is, not trying to hide what it isn’t – unembellished/humble. Nature encapsulates that, like a bare tree standing strong in the middle of a field – vulnerable yet strong, exposed but resilient.

A new narrative is possible, it just begins with me, and it begins with you.

Unembellished humanity; continuing to look for the strength in others, and ourselves, even when failure occurs. Because mistakes are not an indication of weakness, but a sign of our humanity. And strength is not found by pretending we are perfect, but in how we respond when getting back up, holding on, pushing through, letting go, fronting up, or bouncing back is needed the most.

I recently read a blog by a pastor called Perry Noble…and I wondered if he had plagiarised my thoughts and journal. While our stories are not the same, I resonate with some of his experiences, his acknowledgment of his imperfections, the lessons he has/is learning, his assurance of God’s love, and his resilient hope for tomorrow.

One day I may write my own words; about love lost, the pain of gossip, accusations, and of the intense heartache of watching the kids deal with the fallout. Of friendships lost and friendships found, of owning my s*#t, but also learning to not take responsibility for that which is not mine to own. Of becoming aware of negative thinking, the subsequent battle and the road to the freedom associated with that awakening, and of letting go and moving forward.

At the same time wanting, and trying, to stay in love with the community I have endeavoured to serve my whole life.

Until that day when the words flow easily, I will leave you with his –

“To those who see me and automatically look down (or look away in disgust)…

I’m still here!

I’m not at a place in life I used to dream about; in fact, there have been times I’ve begged God to let me wake up from this nightmare……but what has happened has happened, and as much as I wish I could—I can’t change a thing.

However, you need to know—although I would have never chosen the hell I’ve gone through—I’m a better person for it.

Where I used to lack empathy—I now have it in abundance.

Where I used to be judgmental—I now realize I actually have no rocks to throw.

And where I used to think the Lord used me because I was good—I now understand it was HIS goodness all along.

It’s weird walking into a room, have people stare at you, turn back to their table and then everyone at the table stare at you.

It’s weird having people who used to talk to me all of the time randomly see me out in public and stumble over words to say (things like, “you know I love you, don’t you P?  Actually – I don’t, when you never call, or ask to hang out—then we happen to run into each other and you only speak because it would be more awkward to not speak—then no, I actually don’t think you love me at all.  But – if you need to say it to clear your conscience then I’m fine with it.)

And to those people who look away in disgust—I get it, I used to be the same way.

However, one of the things I’ve learned is every single person on the planet has crap in their lives…

…and when the pretend world you’ve built up comes crashing down all around, call me (my number hasn’t changed) and I’ll do my absolute best to be there for you.

Yep, I’m still here – and, I’m still messy.

I haven’t gotten all my “ish” together (and never will have it so on this side of eternity.)

But, I am trying, one day at a time, one step at a time.

And although I’ve lost nearly everything I used to have – I’ve gained a deeper understanding of what it means to be fully known—and fully loved.

So – no pressure, if you need to look down then look down.

If you need to look away, then look away.

But please don’t feel the pressure to lie and say it’s good to see me!

And please don’t pity me, because Jesus is doing a work in me that is absolutely transforming me in ways I’ve never imagined.

I’m not where I once thought I would be – but am exactly where Jesus knew I would be, and my comfort is in the fact He knew everything about me before He called me, loves me in spite of my imperfections and, for some reason still chooses to use me.

I’m still here!  And I see you (whether you see me or not!)

I’ve made it through so far – and with His strength and by His grace I am still holding on to the belief that the best really is yet to come.”

http://perrynoble.com/blog/im-still-here

 

The city is Ashburton, the venue is The Shed.

The stage is set.

The mic is working.

The audience starts to filter in. The beer has been poured. The crowd builds to around 60 or so people, seats seem pretty much full.  The gig is called Simon & Barry – The Original Comedy Assasins, or Asses. Here is the ad –

This is my first ever stand up gig, I have never ever bothered trying before. Simon and I both had two six-minute sets, which doesn’t seem that long but believe me it is! 12 minutes of material is heaps, especially when considering on the likes of Comedy Central they have around 3-minute sets. In saying that we recently went to a gig in Christchurch where they did 30-minute sets…but back to a more favourable comparison the likes of Jerry Seinfeld started with 5-minute sets.

Simon messages me before Christmas last year and suggests I do the gig with him and lists of the positive reason’s why I should. After a lot of thought and some gentle persuasion, I accept the offer.

Throughout Christmas, I thought about it, forever lingering in the back of my mind. The day continued to draw closer and closer and the nerves continued to build in anticipation.

The original gig was meant to be February 24th, 2011, two days after the quake. Needless to say, it was canceled, and to be honest it was a weight off my shoulders, in one way I thought it was all over and done with. However it was not, it was penciled in for May…soon that was postponed to June. I crossed my fingers for another postponement but that never happened.

I am not sure why life seems to work this way but isn’t it just typical that when something is important and requires your attention, other things seem to try to steal it away. On the day of the gig I felt less than prepared…trying to go over it in my head all the time, asking myself the question.. is this actually funny?

There have been times in previous performances on stage when things went bad, when the jokes weren’t funny, when no-one actually laughed and there was the odd uncomfortable coughing going on…it was so awkward that I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me, I walked off stage so embarrassed. I was not sure i could handle another performance like that, but the fact it was in Ashburton helped.

Si and I drove down together, that was the best thing and actually made the trip even more fun. Bouncing ideas and thoughts of each other, drinking energy drinks and discussing evolution and science. No that’s not true, we never discussed evolution.

So we make it down, get to the gig, meet the owner, talk through the set, check the mic and grab a beer…we disappear into the green room. The green room is not green, its the storage area out the back but it does the trick. A few of our mates from Christchurch made the trip, Matt Kitto, Nadia Reid, and Sarah Kirner and we were pleased to have their support.

Showtime comes faster than expected before we know it Si is about to go on. I find a spot in the corner, side of the stage to watch. Si had a tough start, the crowd were still a bit cold and just as he got started there was aloud distraction. But he pulled it together and went for it, he had some great moments, his impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger was awesome.

A quick break and then it was my turn. ” Please welcome to the stage…Barry Jackson! “, a polite clap. Protruding fake confidence from years of acting training I went for it, pausing for the moments when I thought people would laugh, and I was happy to find they actually did.

With one set under the belt, I relaxed a little…it went well and I didn’t die, people laughed at the right spots.

Si attacks his second set and once again was hindered by random distractions beyond his control, but to his credit and a true sign of professionalism he continued on. A true storyteller, he finishes strong. Then I get the call for the final set.

The last 6 minutes.

I am happy to report that I didn’t die that time either, it went smooth and once again people laughed at the right spots. When I walked off the stage that time I was stoked, the feeling of accomplishment and success overwhelmed me. I had conquered something I hadn’t done before, not always glamorously, but conquered as in I gave it a go and passed. I ‘knocked the bastard off’ so to speak.

The owner seemed happy, must be because we are booked in for the 30th of June now.

And so the cycle begins again, in the back corner of my mind I am taking note of everything that goes on around me and asking the question…’ is that funny?’

The only difference this time is I have a better idea of what is ahead of me and the knowledge that greatness always has a beginning, haha. Being a Stand Up comic may not be my thing, but you never know, it has to start somewhere. Why not at The Shed in a town called Ashburton.

B.